Keep it Together! Handle High-Stakes Situations with These Key Steps

Rana clenched her fists under the table as one of the board members lobbied against the plan she had proposed. Though her team had so carefully designed it, he seemed intent on blocking it from going through. Her heart raced as she frantically struggled to conjure up the right words to advocate for their idea. But Rana feared that as soon as she started to speak, she’d completely lose it. How could she tame her emotions so she could fully express what she needed to say?

We’ve all been there. First, it’s important to know that showing emotion is okay—and even beneficial! Showing your passion for the issue at hand can rally people behind you. But completely losing your cool may derail your goals.

How High-Heat Situations Can Affect Us

When we get angry, irritated, or “amped up,” it affects our bodies physically. Our heart rate and blood pressure may spike. Cortisol and adrenaline levels rise. We may hold tension in certain parts of our body, like the shoulders. These changes create a feedback loop that keeps us in a state of anger, preventing us from being our most effective selves.

These effects have far-reaching consequences. Your emotions can strongly influence how the people that work with you feel at work, especially if you are in a leadership role. Whether you are aware of it or not, employees tend to take emotional cues from their leaders.

The goal isn’t to swallow our anger, but to channel it into an effective approach. The American Psychological Association (APA) notes that anger turned inward can cause hypertension, high blood pressure, or depression. By finding a way to respond calmly yet powerfully, we can more persuasively advocate for our ideas.

How to Keep Your Cool (Even When the Stakes Are High)

I’m going to share some practices for approaching potentially hot situations from a place of calm. I encourage clients to block in time before a high-stakes meeting to put some of these into practice. You can also use these when you get an upsetting email or need to have a tough conversation. You don’t necessarily need to use all of them in every high-heat situation. Choose the ones that resonate with you the most—or the ones you haven’t tried before.

Before the meeting

Rehearse your talking points.

Mentally prepare what to say the night before. Then practice making big, powerful, bold statements to yourself in the mirror (or to an understanding friend or family member). Brainstorm potential counterarguments and practice responding to them. When you feel more prepared and confident about your words, you won’t feel as anxious—or as prone to losing your cool.

View the conversation as a collaboration.

You might be building a solution as a group rather than getting others to embrace your point of view 100%. Remind yourself to collaborate rather than just trying to steamroll your idea through. Even leaving room for others to embellish on the smaller details can make a big difference. After all, everyone wants to feel included in the design.

Reflect on other high-heat situations that have gone well.

Think back to how other high-stakes meetings transpired. What did you do to help things go well then? How did people respond? Remembering these times will boost your confidence and help you access the tools at your disposal—your persuasiveness, communication skills, or humor, for instance.

Care for your physical wellbeing.

Limit caffeine intake and eat a balanced meal prior to an important meeting. Do your best to get a good night of sleep beforehand, too. These all make a difference!

Get physical

Let off some nerves through physical activity, like a short (or long) walk. You’ll show up energized yet more relaxed. Stretching, yoga, or meditation can also help. I love to dance, so if I can fit in a 5-minute dance session the day of the meeting - it changes everything for me. Find what physically works for you.

Know the signs that you’re reaching your tipping point.

Notice the physical and mental symptoms of anger, anxiety, or frustration that signal you’re losing your cool. Here are some common ones:

Interrupting others
Speaking quickly or in a higher pitch
Having racing thoughts
Feeling your heart beat faster
Feeling your hands shake
Grinding or clenching your teeth
Having difficulty listening or comprehending things
Feeling tension increasing in your body
Sweating
Having an upset stomach
Retreating into silence

When you attend to what you are experiencing, you can take steps to calm down.

Try a breathing technique.

Beforehand—or even during the meeting—try using a breathing technique. Practice “box breathing,” a technique I love to use to intentionally slow your breath down. This involves waiting for four beats after releasing your breath, then breathing in for four beats, holding for four beats, and exhaling for four beats. When holding your breath, don’t “clamp down” and tense up your back; instead, keep your airway open and relaxed.

Another technique involves tensing your body as you inhale and releasing the tension when you exhale. In the meeting, breathe from your diaphragm rather than your chest, which promotes relaxation.

During the meeting

Name your emotions.

Try to name what you are feeling to yourself without judging it. This simple act can sometimes reduce the sense of emotional overload. For instance, you might say to yourself, “I feel afraid of not making myself heard.”

Do a visualization.

If others’ emotions are running high, you may feel yourself starting to take on the same feelings. To maintain composure, visualize yourself inside a protective bubble that shields you from negativity.

Before the meeting, you might visualize yourself in a relaxing place. Envision yourself sitting in that spot, focusing on sensory details like the scents, sounds, and sights of this location. One of my happy places is the ocean, so when I do this visualization, I like to imagine the feeling of sand on my feet, the cool, salty breeze and the sound of crashing waves. It immediately calms my system and allows me a little more flex time.

Focus on bodily awareness.

Become aware of your body—how it’s feeling, how you’re positioned, how you’re holding tension. What are your shoulders doing? Your feet? Just noticing those things can help you feel more centered and let go of bodily tension.

You can also do a practice called “anchoring,” as an article in The New York Times suggests. Simply dig your heels into the floor to ground yourself as you observe your physical and emotional state.

Remember that empathy is not agreement.

Remind yourself that you can listen and empathize without fully agreeing with the other person’s perspective. Try to listen to understand their experience or viewpoint.

Evoke a quality you want to embody.

In a past piece called “Finding Calm Without Flying Off the Handle,” I wrote about how evoking a positive quality can actually “trick” your mind into feeling it. In Standing in the Fire: Leading High Heat Meetings with Clarity, Calm and Courage, Larry Dressler explains how to tap into this quality. Ask yourself, “If I had more ___ in my being, what would it feel like?” Sit with that feeling for a few moments.

Think of how people you admire have exuded this quality, too. Think of how you may have embodied it in past situations. Go into the meeting with this quality in mind, and remind yourself of it if tensions escalate.

Now, let’s explore how to help your team navigate high-heat situations, too!

How to Help Your Team Keep Their Cool

Your team members undoubtedly struggle with staying cool at times as well. Through these steps, you can help them find calm in the midst of high-heat meetings and other situations.

Look out for signs that people are approaching their breaking point.

Observe people’s demeanor. Try to stay attuned to changes in tone of voice, attention, expression, and other aspects of communication.

Use the right tools.

Keep a toolkit of exercises that promote balanced participation in meetings. You can’t dispel every conflict with them (nor should you), but you can encourage healthy dialogue.

Take two minutes of silence to reflect on an idea collectively. This is a great one if people are interrupting each other and introverts aren’t able to actively participate.
Do a go-around where everyone gets a certain amount of time to share their thoughts on a proposal.
Take turns naming how you feel at the beginning or end of a meeting, sharing a word or two that best expresses your emotional state.
Ask people to paraphrase one another’s ideas, if you suspect miscommunication between team members is happening.

Start employing tactics like these, and watch the discussion flow toward solutions.

Give your team a safe place to vent.

Don’t suppress anger—deescalate it by giving people a safe place to vent. Invite them to voice their thoughts in private, apart from the other parties involved, if need be. Help them pinpoint the root of the issue and discuss possible solutions.

Help others to pivot their emotions.

Guide your team in shifting focus from other people to a challenge they can overcome together. By rallying your team around the issue, they can catalyze change. Help them learn to lead others into a solution by framing things in a positive way.

Rana unclenched her palms and drew a deep breath from her diaphragm. She planted her feet firmly on the floor as she listened to the board member’s concerns, striving to empathize with his fears. Her team’s novel idea was disrupting the status quo, and he felt a responsibility to protect the organization from potential risks. When he finished making his point, she let the room remain silent for just a second. Then, she began to speak in a calm voice that resonated with conviction. “Scott, those are excellent questions. And they were on our minds as well. Which is why we ran a detailed risk analysis that covered them all in turn…”

She shared slides that made the business case for their plan, then honed in on the costs of not moving forward. By the end of the meeting, all board members enthusiastically gave the go-ahead, and the wheels were in motion!

Is your team navigating some high-stakes changes? Emotions starting to spike? Set up some time with me here. I help teams of all sizes navigate changes and challenges in productive, sustainable ways.